blatantly bad 70s songs: i’ve never been to me (charlene)

cheaterpants, cheaterpants, i know! originally released in 1977, it didn’t become a monster hit until 1982. and still, it’s here, nestled among the 70s freaks, as i feel it’s the ultimate 1970s trainwreck of a song, and, by gum, it’s the ultimate assault on the ears.

let’s break down this lovely song, shall we?

Hey lady, you lady, cursing at your life
You’re a discontented mother and a regimented wife
I’ve no doubt you dream about the things you’ll never do
But, I wish someone had talked to me
Like I wanna talk to you…..

yeah, cos i’m about to rub in all the insane things i’ve had the chance to do while you spent your 20s or 30s barefoot and pregnant with that boring guy with the 9-to-5 down at the hardware store. hang on to your milk of magnesia, sister, cos your life really blows in comparison.

Oh, I’ve been to Georgia and California and anywhere I could run
I took the hand of a preacher man and we made love in the sun
But I ran out of places and friendly faces because I had to be free
I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me

remember that miniseries, thornbirds? yeah, that was me, and sheee-yit, i was hot. only the guy wanted to get married. what a bourgeois bore. i made like a priest and got the hell out of there. pity. those religious sorts are the freakiest, i tell ya.

Please lady, please lady, don’t just walk away
‘Cause I have this need to tell you why I’m all alone today
I can see so much of me still living in your eyes
Won’t you share a part of a weary heart that has lived million lies….

wait. i’m not done belittling you yet.

Oh, I’ve been to Nice and the Isle of Greece while I’ve sipped champagne on a yacht
I’ve moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed ’em what I’ve got
I’ve been undressed by kings and I’ve seen some things that a woman ain’t supposed to see
I’ve been to paradise, but I’ve never been to me

have you been to europe? oh, it’s lovely. the mediterranean is just delightful during the warmer seasons. and i’ve gotten men to buy me all sorts of things. designer clothes. fine wines. amazing times. oh, sure, i had to compromise a little and go out with some of the old, rich farts, but still. they are so grateful, you know?

[spoken]
Hey, you know what paradise is?
It’s a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we’d like them to be
But you know what truth is?
It’s that little baby you’re holding, it’s that man you fought with this morning
The same one you’re going to make love with tonight
That’s truth, that’s love……

oh, i’m sorry. did i upset you while regaling you with my glamorous life? really, your life is good, too. i hear your husband is up for promotion as assistant clerk at the hardware store. that’s really great. uh, really great.

oh. you’ve got baby spit on your shoulder.

Sometimes I’ve been to crying for unborn children that might have made me complete
But I took the sweet life, I never knew I’d be bitter from the sweet
I’ve spent my life exploring the subtle whoring that costs too much to be free
Hey lady……
I’ve been to paradise, (I’ve been to paradise)
But I’ve never been to me

yeah, i could have chosen your path, but i’m just not cut out for that daily grind of normalcy. oh sure, i am sorry i don’t have kids, i’m sorry i don’t have a steady paycheck mealticket, er, husband. Dog forbid i go out and support myself. why do that when there’s an army of men out there who can do it for me. of course, i’m not getting any younger…

(I’ve been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run)
I’ve been to paradise, never been to me
(I’ve been to Nice and the isle of Greece while I’ve sipped champagne on a yacht)
I’ve been to paradise, never been to me
(I’ve been to cryin’ for unborn children that might have made me complete)
I’ve been to paradise, never been to me
(I’ve been to Georgia and California, and anywhere I could run)
I’ve been to paradise, never been to me

damn. i think it’s time i looked into plastic surgery.