hello, and welcome to another edition of things that scare me.

what terrifies you? (i mean, besides john mccain as president.) while i don’t have any diagnosed phobias at this time, there are a lot of things that scare the bejeezus out of me. not the usual suspects, i suppose. f’rinstance, spiders don’t bother me. going outside without makeup is a daily experience, so that doesn’t cut it. and i like rollercoasters as long as my feet are not hanging free.

so, things that scare me, in no apparent order:

1) having veins that don’t cooperate with people who are trying to put in IVs. like yesterday, when i ended up having seven or eight holes put in my arms and hands. (two in my right hand, one in my left hand, three in my right arm, one or two — not entirely sure — in my left arm. you should see the lovely purpley-bluey green bruise on my arm.) apparently, between scarring and collapsing veins (as well as 3 sets of IV tubing that weren’t cutting it), my arms didn’t want to cooperate with yesterday’s treatment, a treatment which ultimately took over 7.5 hours to complete. my hand was so swollen that i couldn’t get my college ring off.

i absolutely adore the nurses who take good care of me. i cannot say enough good things about them. i was so upset at one point, i burst into tears, not because being poked hurt (and it did, especially in the hands), but because i felt like i was making their lives difficult. bless them both; they were upset because they didn’t want to make me the human pincushion.

i live in fear that one day, my veins won’t permit an IV thanks to scarring. it’s so unfair; i’ve never, ever been an IV drug user, and yet i apparently have the veins of one. (note to self: i wonder how keith richard’s veins are doing these days?) the day that happens, i will end up with a PIC line, an idea that frightens me not only because of how it is put in but also because those thingies are prone to providing me with a whopper of an infection. which brings me to…

2) infections. normal people don’t worry too much about them. after all, they’ll take an antibiotic for 7-10 days, and off they’ll go. unfortunately, i am allergic to two different families of antibiotics. i have to use antibiotics that are safe for me sparingly, as i will definitely need them when/if i experience The Infection To End All Infections. which could be a simple infection for a regular person, but not for me. which leads me to…

3) not being around for my kids. well, duh. this is every parent’s fear, isn’t it? when you’ve been in a situation where, out of the blue, you lose things you need to live, then you are never the same again. one day, i was walking down the street, having lunch with old friends, doing my job. the next day, i was in the hospital with almost no platelets. if i had done something to precipitate this change, it would make more sense to me.

but i didn’t. just because i possess some wonderful genes, i magically developed ITP, then CVID. boom! everything changed.

in some ways, it has been a blessing. my entire life perspective has changed to the point where i think i’m living most of my values for once instead of glancing at them, like a passenger on the subway watching the blur of movement out the train window. and every day, i attempt to be healthy, though i’m far from perfect on that front.

i’m in remission from ITP. i’m in treatment for CVID. and i’m still shakin’.

and i’m trying to push back the thoughts over when the other shoe will drop.


10 Responses to “shakin’”

  1. Hugs wreke. I would be shakin’ over all those things too. And probably not handling it nearly as well as you do.

  2. let me just start with, tea nearly sprayed out my nose with your McCain being scary line. How can I not love a blog that’s so RIGHT?

  3. aw shucks. you both have made me feel better already πŸ™‚

  4. Um, yeah. McCain scary but NO SCARIER than what we have right this second. Sheesh. Hope you are recovering ok. My baby has those veins apparently – we were in the ER with him and I totally know what you mean about the nurses, ours was literally in tears cause she was so bummed she could not find his vein (he was like 11 months old or something).

    I so hope you feel better soon and perhaps? like my dad says, finding the ability to “walk through the pain” and face your fears will make them less powerful. not make them dissipate but just make them less overpowering.


  5. At this exact moment, John McCain as president may be the scariest thing I can imagine. The NY Times reported today that in the states where people register by party, republican registration is down and democrat is up so that is a good sign. Maybe I dont need to be as scared.

    One big thing that scares me is also medical. I have Crohn’s disease. Although at the moment it is very mild, it could always flare up. The idea of loosing my colon scares me majorly.

  6. Oh, honey, I’m so sorry the IV experience was an a$$kicker this time. Ask your doctor about the breastfeeding? I’ll hook you up, baby. πŸ˜‰ Of course, you’d have to slurp straight from the tap as I hear the antibodies adhere to the sides of bottles which wouldn’t help you out.

    (now, imagine yourself breastfeeding from a grown woman…or hell, even having a bottle for that matter…feel any better?)

    I agree with Catherine…the McCain bit was freakin’ hilarious!

  7. I can empathize with the crappy veins. Normally I warn the lab techs to give me the best phlebotomist. Failing that, I know to ask for hot compresses.

    {{hugs}} and hope that hand feels better.

  8. Oh, I forgot to mention something that would scare me if I were an Olympic athlete: the air in Beijing. Blech!

  9. […] deus ex mama « shakin’ […]

  10. Poor Wreke. I hope your sore spots feel better soon. But I am not here to feel sorry for you, because I can tell that YOU don’t waste a lot of time feeling sorry for you. You seem to grab life by the ears and run, and I admire that in anybody, battling a health condition or otherwise.

    Get better fast!

    — Laurie

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