every silver lining has a cloud

one of my SILs, who was married a month before BS and i (lo, 17 years ago), received a video camera (remember those, boys and girls?) as a wedding present. so, when BS and i were married, she used it to record the day. she is the only one who did, as i didn’t hire someone to do that. some scenes are fuzzy, some moments are inaudible, but i’m awfully glad she did that; years later, i can barely remember the day. it’s all a blur.

but i’m watching the video now for the first time in years, and it is breaking my heart. i see people there who are no longer there, like my aunt josie in her hot pink attire (who jools is named for), BS’s nana (who is being shaken like a leaf dancing with an ex-boyfriend of one of my SILs), and of course, my gram. i’m reminded that my gramps died only a year and a half prior. he isn’t there. and i see a scene which kills me: my gram is slumped, her head on her hands on the back of her chair. the day is too much for her; the devastation of sitting there without my gramps is all too much. her face speaks volumes of sadness.

i see my oldest friend in the world, who flew in from TX for the day. i have not seen her since that day, though we still email each other every so often. i see friends from high school, some i still see, some i can’t bear to see. i see people with ex-spouses, ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends, even my own ex-boyfriend is at the wedding. (don’t ask.)

at the risk of sounding like the most ungrateful bitch in the world, i didn’t really enjoy my wedding. it just wasn’t really me. or maybe it was me, at the time. but i don’t think so. i didn’t even both shopping around much for the gown. i saw one that was the right price, albeit it was a little too large for me. and i was done. it all felt like this big machine swirling around me. i was merely a little bolt.

i guess weddings aren’t the most important things in the world; what matters is the marriage.


3 Responses to “every silver lining has a cloud”

  1. Please put that video on YouTube.

  2. Hey, it’s okay to not be into weddings; most often, they are to please other family members. I totally get your sentiment.

    I wish that there was a video of my wedding! It just slipped my mind and in hindsight, any uncle or cousin of mine could have done an amateur vid just for archival purposes. I do recall it as a beautiful day, full of excitement, treasured guests, and lovely flowers! Maybe because I don’t have a video, it rests warm and fuzzy in my memory?

  3. two words, my dear scully:

    not happening.


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