the hitchhiker's guide to menstruation

warning: graphic info follows.

so there we are, walking through the health and beauty aisle at safeway – me, BS, BC, and Jools. and BC points to a package and says, “mama, what are those?”

me: “those are maxipads.”

BC: “what do you do with maxipads?”

i was not prepared to have this conversation yet. in fact, i was hoping i could stave it off until she’s, uh, i dunno, in college. (for those of you new to my world, i should point out that BC is 5 years old.) there were several men in this aisle besides BS and Jools. i knew this was going to be a promising line of questioning.

me: “well, honey, ladies use them once a month.”

BC thought for a moment. i was hoping that a stampede of elephants would choose that moment to run down aisle 6. those fucking elephants failed me once again.

BC: “ladies use them when they have blood coming out of their bits.”

oh. my. g-d.

now you see, i never said this to her. i never had this conversation with her. in short, i was mystified. the men in the aisle turned white. by this point, BS and Jools were all the way down the aisle. i was on my own.

but it got better.

BC: “you wore maxipads after you had julian.”

you all must understand – i never made it a point to parade around the house wearing nothing but maxipads and a smile after giving birth. i don’t even think this child was ever near me in the bathroom during that time period. i think.

the remaining men in the aisle quickly chose a different aisle.

me: “yes, honey, i did. how did you know that?”

BC: …

BC: …

BC: “mama, can i get a new toothbrush?”

some questions will never be answered in life, i suppose.

at this point, BS and Jools had been busy looking at toothbrushes and missed the entire delightful part of the conversation.

and all i could think was, why, WHY do i get the interesting questions? “mama, what are maxipads?” “mama, what is G-d?” “mama, why did people treat Black people like slaves?”

the level of question difficulty BS usually gets from BC is something akin to “DaDa, can I have candy?”

in short, there is no justice. none.


One Response to “the hitchhiker's guide to menstruation”

  1. […] believe that i have a pretty good relationship with my kids. we talk about lots of things. hell, they bring up stuff waaaay before i’m ready. and i try to answer them as honestly as i can — although believe me, sometimes, the answer […]

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