papa's day. yee fucking ha.

my beloved three-year-old (“three and a HALF, mommy!”) is happily taking her entirely new playdough set and mashing all the colors (i think there are 8) into one giant doughball. but this may be joy in the making, so i will just sit out and shut my mouth. i have been a bee-atch from hades today, so i will just step aside. besides, BC only wants her daddy today, and since it is father's day, i will graciously defer. its father's day, and i am glad that she has her father and i have mine.

we went to glen echo park today to see a little puppet show. the three little pigs and red riding hood — from the wolf's perspective. it was really lovely except for all of the shifting and squirming — and that was the sound of the adults in the group. grownups over the age of 20 are not meant to sit on the floor for an hour. legs cramp, backs go – maybe we all need to do more yoga. little ones were pretty well behaved, although there were those really young ones who shrieked in terror when the big bad wolf came out and howled. but who could be mad at them?

there is an oooooold carousel at the park. reminded me of the carousel i used to ride as a child on the jersey shore. boo hoo. how on earth did i get so freakin' old so fast? especially since i don't feel old. people talk about grownups and i forget that they mean me.

not to mention the fact that i would have been 6 months along now in my pregnancy. had i not lost the baby, of course. i hate that expression. as if i would ever let a child of mine go missing. i would never let a child of mine disappear. you should see how i track my BC when she plays on a playground. i never let her out of my sight. nope, i will never lose her as long as i have any control over anything. and i will never let this other child i no longer have ever vanish from my mind. but everywhere i go, people have just had babies or are pregnant. i am happy for them, to be sure, but i am still grieving a bit. like i have said before, i do okay 99 percent of the time. but i think i am currently engaged in that tricky one percent, that wallowing place that no one can seem to understand.

i'm sure i'll snap out of it shortly. tomorrow is another day and all those clichees to note. harrumph.

i'm just a “blue boo” today, as my mom would say.

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